June 2008 Issue

Protecting Our Children

Silence Is Not Always Golden
Some Secrets Must Be Told
by Hope Graham*

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I have lived with a secret for most of my life, but recently I revealed this secret to members of my family and church. I know many others are living with the same secret and they, like me, are suffering from the damage and pain it causes.

I was born into a pastor's home, the sixth of nine children and the only girl. We, of course, attended church regularly and seemed to be the normal pastor's family.

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior following an Easter service when I was five-years old. My father was the one who led me to Christ. The secret began when I was about ten-years old. It was then that my father chose to misuse his position of authority over me.

He raped me.

Then he repeatedly raped and molested me whenever he found an opportunity. This abuse continued until I was seventeen or eighteen. I cannot tell you how many times I was raped by my father — but it was something I constantly dreaded. Each day as I came home from school, I would pray, "Oh Lord, help him not to be home," or "Lord, please help him to stop." But the abuse didn't stop. I felt trapped — a prisoner in my own home.

God gave my father many gifts, but he chose to abuse and squander those gifts. He not only failed to meet the responsibility of caring for and protecting those gifts, he chose to steal from them and the great God who had given those gifts to him.

My father stole from me. He took away my innocence, childhood, and trust. He also robbed me of my sense of security and self-worth. He stole the gift of intimacy that God intended to be shared between a husband and a wife. What was created to be an expression of love was perverted into a selfish act of abuse.

My father stole from my husband. My body did not belong to my father. It was not his to take, but he chose to act on his selfish desires, not taking into consideration the damage he was causing.

My father also stole from my children and those I would minister to in my Christian family. Because of my abuse, many of my emotions have been buried in an effort to protect and preserve them from deeper wounds. Because of this, the love and concern I feel for those around me has often been hidden from them. Even though I care a great deal for those around me, my ability to express my feelings to them has been impaired because of the abuse I endured.

I kept my family secret because I felt that it was the best thing to do. What difference would it make if I told? Who would believe me? Who would be hurt if the truth were known? What would happen to our family, to the people in the church, to me, to my father? All these questions were running through my mind. So I kept my secret and told no one until I told my future husband when we became engaged.

We thought the biblical way to handle the situation was to love and forgive. So we forgave my father, even though he never confessed or repented of his sin against me. He even performed our wedding ceremony, and both he and my mother were a part of our lives. During this time, we were very careful, however, to not allow my father to be alone with our children.

Recently, we realized our mistake in the way we dealt with my father's sin and criminal activity. Because I had never told my secret, my brother and his wife allowed their children to spend the night at my parents' home. My father chose to take the opportunity to abuse another victim. He molested their fifteen-year-old, mentally-handicapped daughter. We learned then that my father had been accused of sexual abuse of others, and his pattern of abuse had persisted because his behavior had been excused or overlooked. People who knew of his sin chose to look the other way or decided not to "make waves." They kept their secrets.

Meanwhile, more victims were added to his list.

I realized my silence was enabling my father to continue his criminal activities.

I knew my secret must be told.

What is so sad about my story is that I am not the only one with a secret. Studies show that as many as one in three girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused by the age of eighteen. The majority of these abuse victims will be abused by family members or trusted family friends. It is time to tell the secret.

It is time to acknowledge that this evil not only occurs in the secular world, but is also a reality in churches today. Keeping the secret enables abusers to continue their sinful behavior.

When my secret was revealed to members of our church, several women in our congregation shared similar secrets. One woman had been abused by a pastor to whom she had gone for counseling. One woman who attended a school for missionaries' kids witnessed sexual abuse by dorm parents. Two women told of their abuse by a former deacon in the church.

God will not bless our churches if we do not deal with the sin of these offenders and call for true repentance. The story of Achan's sin and the battle of Ai in the seventh chapter of Joshua is an example of how God withholds His blessing if there is hidden sin in the camp.

Churches are finally starting to address the problem that there are many victims who are hurting and need healing; but too often churches excuse the offender, enabling him to continue in his abuse of others.

All too often our attempts to remedy the problem amount to putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. We need to address the root of the problem if we want it to stop. We can't just continue to fix-up the broken lives and let the abusers continue their destructive behavior.

Contrary to what some might say, when we correct abusive behavior, we are not being unloving or unforgiving — we are teaching good behavior and self-discipline.

All too often, the church's response to sexual abuse is to tell the victim that he or she needs to forgive and forget the offense, but they excuse the abuser for his criminal behavior. Why the double standard? Why do we not confront the abusers and require them to accept the consequences of their actions? Why do we refuse to admit there are abusers in our churches? It brings shame and reproach to the name of Christ when we keep secrets.

The slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" has become very popular over the past few years. Let's apply it to this situation. If Jesus were to visit our churches, what would He do? Would He ignore and excuse criminal behavior because He would not want the church to suffer the embarrassment of dealing with prominent church members who are involved? Would He confront the victims and tell them that they should just forgive those who have stolen their innocence, childhood, and trust? What would He do?

Scriptures indicate that He confronted religious abusers and expected them to face the consequences of their sinful lifestyle. Jesus was not afraid to confront religious leaders while He walked upon the earth. In Matthew 23, Jesus repeatedly rebuked the Pharisees, calling them blind hypocrites and white-washed sepulchers. They looked good on the outside, but inside they were filled with evil. He confronted them about their pride, selfishness, and sin. He did not ignore or excuse their ungodly behavior.

We live in a day of grace, and Jesus has paid the ultimate sacrifice so we can be forgiven of our sin. He lovingly offers forgiveness. In 1 John 1:9, we are told If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. However, there are people in our churches today who are claiming that verse as a license to sin. In the book of Jude, we are warned about such men. For certain men whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord (verse 4, NIV). The rest of the chapter goes on to tell of God's condemnation of such behavior.

Others have mistakenly equated God's grace and forgiveness with the removal of all consequences. But we need to remember the examples in God's Word of Moses and David — godly men who sinned and who had been forgiven of their sin yet still faced the consequences of their actions.

God will not bless our churches if we allow immorality and sin to reign. We sing of God's never-changing attributes, but we expect and pray for God's blessing when there is sin in the camp. Can we expect to be victorious in our spiritual battles if we are harboring and protecting criminals?

There is a tremendous need for people to come forth and address this horrendous sin within our churches. We need to educate, confront, and deal with the issue in a biblical manner.

We dare not serve as enablers, otherwise every day that goes by will see more children raped and molested within our churches.

* The name has been changed for protection.

Alarming Statistics

• Studies show that from 25 to 33 percent of girls and 5 to 15 percent of boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18 (http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/sexabuse/sexabuseb.cfm).

• The majority of these abuse victims will be abused by family members or trusted family friends. Only a small percentage are abused by strangers (http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/educator/educatorc.cfm).

• This means that in all likelihood, out of every ten men you know, and out of every four women you know, at least one has a secret. Some of them may have been abused only once, some may have been abused numerous times by the same abuser, and others may have had several different abusers from the same family.

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